4 Nov 2024
All I can think when I am running to complete the goal I have set out for myself (generally a 5K in 30 minutes) is completing it. Upon completion there is a bit of joy for completing the task, or disappointment for failing. This feeling fades quickly. Then it is on to the next goal.
This had worked for me for over 34 years. Going from task to task. Going from video game to video game. From girlfriend to girlfriend. Book to book. Learning to learning. It enabled me to contentiously setup and complete tasks and goals. To achieve what I wished to achieve.
When I was in the final years of school at the age of 18. I told everyone my goals was to be a private eye (32K a year at the time) or a drug smuggler (income varied by product smuggled). It didn't seem likely that I would make enough dosh to successfully support myself. Going with the flow I won a scholarship for a year at local community college. This eventually led me to getting my real dream job as a ethical hacker years later. It also allowed me to achieve another hidden goal of working in another country for a year. My employer paid for it all.
After having my dream job and living abroad, I had never been more miserable. It was at this point I realised the only thing worse then failing a goal is completing it. One of the many words used to say you 'completed' a goal is fulfil. Odd as being fulfilled also indicates you are content, happy, completed. Load of shit.
Due to a flaw in my programming even at a young age, I would always ask 'why' and 'how'. My parents could tell stories about me wanting to understand everything. Perhaps this is normal for a child but per my parents my want for knowledge was excessive.
Even know my endless thirst to understand has destroyed one of my long life hobbies that used to spark joy. Videos games. Finding myself of increasing clear of mind it is easy to examine why each game created serotonin, realize the gameplay loop, optimize it, and ruin any more enjoyment from it by either making it boring or fulfilling a goal.
It is not just limited to me. Recently I had been watching video game streamers at 2x speed on youtube to get some of the high without the need to pay, install, and waste time playing. Two such are rtgame and dangerouslyfunny. They both have recently played a game called TCG Card Shop Simulator. The joy of the gameplay loop is making money but more importantly pulling these rare ghost cards worth more money.
They both started off playing the game normally in their first play through. Engaging the games mechanics normally. However as they played more and more, they realized they could optimize their game play to more quickly achieve there goals. The last vods of the games they have done both ended the same for them. They discovered a plugin that enable them to pick up 10000 of packs (far exceeding the normal pack pickup) and increase the rate at which the packs would open. Thereby exposing the true gameplay loop of ‘getting the rare card’ and optimizing it.
Neither of them have played the game since. I would wager they will never play it again. They have both achieved their goal partially but have realized what it would take to accomplish their goal and it has drained the fun from the game.
It baffles me that more people do not realize that existence with how our brains have developed is this endless cycle of going from the one thing that sparks joy to the next over and over. It doesn't matter if you are poor starving to death in the street looking for your next meal, to the richest person on the planet with no desire for want. We are doomed to be trapped in this cycle of endlessly wanting to consume more and more. Doesn’t matter if you murder millions or free trillions from slavery, nothing will ever fill the void.
Yet I see these people attempting to improve their next PR, loose just a bit more weight, try that next restaurant, save a bit more money, get that new car. When I approach these people with the inquiry of "Is life nothing more then going from one thing that makes you happy to the next?" they either reject the query, accept it but say that is not all to life, or get angry and change the topic.
Truly this problem must have plagued our species since its ability to speak. Yet it finds it self chasing after the urge of procreation and the desire to accumulate more. It baffles and enrages me. Despite this nothing will change, I will keep working towards my goals and have a simmer pot of anger and confusion.
Suppose I will simply be forever envious of the bird that drops dead from the bow of a ship without once ever having felt sorry for itself.